


Where Do We Go From Here?

by Morbid_Fascination



Category: OK K.O.! Let's Be Heroes
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, M/M, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29840118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morbid_Fascination/pseuds/Morbid_Fascination
Summary: My take on what happened immediately following Let's Be Forgiven. Venomous struggles with how readily Boxman forgives him for everything he put him through as Shadowy Venomous. Decades of unaddressed emotional turmoil comes to the surface, forcing Venomous to face the one person who can't forgive him: himself.
Relationships: Lord Boxman/Professor Venomous (OK K.O.! Let's Be Heroes)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Where Do We Go From Here?

His forgiveness had been almost instantaneous, a thing Venomous certainly had not bargained for when he’d wrapped on Boxman’s door with nothing but a cake and a sliver of hope.  
There had been no need for the awkward explanation he had prepared, nor had there been the enraged screaming, slamming door or robot henchmen attack he had envisioned. To Venomous’ absolute confoundment, there had been nothing more than Boxman’s warm reception and… cocoa.

They had talked and laughed for hours, night progressively giving way to the early hours of morning. He had made to leave, only to have a hand gently curl around his own. “It’s late. Why don’t you stay?” “Are you sure?” He had asked, not wanting to push his already absurd amount of luck, only to be fixed with a look so affectionate and loving that a verbal answer seemed futile. He hadn’t dared to believe Boxman would ever, _could_ ever, look at him that way again and now here he was, sharing his bed.

He sighed contentedly. The warmth of Boxman’s body next to his own felt so familiar, so right. It felt almost as if this had never changed. He snuggled in closer and closed his eyes, allowing his thoughts to drift as sleep came to claim him.

_Boxman sat stock still, hardly daring to breathe as his colleague leaned in closer, tilting his head slightly. Venomous braced himself against the back of Boxman’s chair with his right hand, cautious of the slippery polished wood of the desk he was perched on. He reached out with his left hand, gently raising Boxman’s chin as he leaned in further still, their faces now inches apart. “May I-…_

Venomous smiled fondly as the memory of their first kiss began to play out in his mind.

_…-enquire as to what it is you want?” Shadowy asked, tone flat with a burgeoning edge of irritation. A nervous smile spread across Boxman’s face that didn’t reach his eye. “I umm, I was wondering if you might like to join me for dinner. It’s just… been a while since I’ve seen you and- Boxman trailed off, the look of pure annoyance he had been fixed with answer enough. “T.K.O and I are busy tonight.” Shadowy replied casually, picking at a loose thread on his coat. “Oh. Boxman replied, crestfallen. Well, if you change your min- “I won’t.” Came the callous reply. “Now get out.”_

Venomous’ eyes shot open with a terrified gasp. He lifted his forearms to his face, heart racing as he checked them. Still purple, no spiked cuffs. He breathed out slowly, trying to find relief in the knowledge that he was still himself, only to come up short.

He rolled over to face Boxman sleeping peacefully by his side, chest rising and falling gently in time with his breathing, the sense of familiarity abruptly slipping away from him. He shivered despite the warmth still emanating from the body beside his, unable to shake the sudden feeling that something was wrong; that _he_ was wrong. Like a piece meant for a different puzzle, he didn’t fit here; he didn’t deserve this.

He’d given this up without a single thought to spare for the man, under the guise of never having to feel weak or unworthy ever again. Yet here he lay, feeling both of those things in excess.

He rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, a strange tension beginning to build in the pit of his stomach.

He was a man of few regrets but the way he had treated Boxman plagued him even now.

The silence of the room, so peaceful mere moments ago, was now unsettling. He shifted uncomfortably as the memories began to claw at the edges of his mind. Every unkind word, every deplorable choice, every downright abusive thing he had ever done to Boxman, circled around and around in his head, an endless carousel of nightmares.

All of the heinous things he had put him through, and he had thought a cake would be an appropriate way to make amends.

A cake.

A cobdamn cake.

What was wrong with him?!

He suddenly felt nauseous, despite having barely touched dessert himself. He lay a hand on his stomach, attempting to take a deep breath to soothe himself only to be met with an unfamiliar tightness in his chest. He swallowed thickly, trying to shake the gradually mounting sense of trepidation he felt.

What kind of moron thought a cake would be enough to repair the irreparable, to undo the sheer amount of damage done. He frowned. He had apparently.

Another wave of nausea washed over him, and he took another deep breath in response, trying to ignore the unnerving feeling that he wasn’t getting enough air.

A cake. It was plain insulting. Rubbing salt into a wound he could never hope to heal. He was asking forgiveness for the truly unforgiveable with a cake he’d made at home… with Fink’s help.

He felt so stupid, so embarrassed.

Cob he was such a jerk. A selfish, arrogant, powerless, weak-willed jerk. What did Boxman even see in him?!

He clenched his eyes shut in a futile attempt at shielding himself from his thoughts and tried to take another deep breath but to his absolute horror it had suddenly become near impossible, as though the room itself had almost no oxygen left.

His eyes shot open as he tried desperately to suck in whatever air he could, but stopped short, freezing in horrified disbelief as the ceiling inexplicably began to edge closer. He blinked rapidly, trying to dispel what he was seeing, heart now hammering against his rib cage.

He clutched at his chest, desperately trying to fill his lungs as the ceiling continued to bear down on him, as though it were watching him, judging him. What was happening?!

He tried desperately to think but the noise inside his head was now a deafening roar. Thoughts screamed over each other for dominance, each convinced they were the most impressive of his inadequacies and demanding to be heard.

Panic ripped through his now shaking form, breath coming in short, sharp gasps, lungs struggling under the crushing weight of his mistakes.

Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes as the sensory overload became more than he could bear.

Everything was too close, too loud, too much. He couldn’t move; he couldn’t breathe; he couldn’t… he couldn’t do this.

He couldn’t do this.

He couldn’t do this.

He couldn’t do this.

Not to Boxman.

Not again.

************************************************************************************************

He had to leave. It was the right thing to do. He’d put the man through so much, how could anything he did now even come close to making up for it all?

No, Boxman deserved better. A better colleague, a better friend. A better partner.

Casting one last, saddened glance at the man next to him, he gently peeled the sheet off himself, careful not to wake the other.

He gingerly swung his legs over the edge of the bed, wincing slightly as his feet connected with the cold of the floor. He reached for his pants and turtleneck on the chair by the bedside, slipping them on as quickly and quietly as he could.

He was doing the right thing for once in his life. Boxman would eventually come to see that. Wouldn’t he?

He pulled on his boots, zipping them up slowly to minimise the noise, then walked over to the far side of the room near the door, careful to remain on the rug to quell the click his boots normally made against hard wood floors. Squinting through the darkness, he searched for the key rack, reaching out warily as he spotted his car keys, suddenly aware of how badly his hands were shaking.

He carefully unhooked them and reached out for the door handle when a tree branch brushed up against the window on the far wall, the harsh sound of wood against glass permeating the quiet of the room. He jumped, involuntarily flinging his keys into the air. They landed with a heavy metallic thud.

He froze, blood turning to ice in his veins, the world around him screeching to a grinding halt. He subconsciously held his breath, hoping against hope that the noise hadn’t roused Boxman, that maybe he’d still be able to just-

“Ven?” A sleep addled voice called from behind.

Damn.

“Wha- the smaller man yawned, stretching widely. “Whatcha doin’?”

Venomous’ mind raced with explanations and excuses, each one less believable than the last. Perhaps the truth? _Oh nothing Boxy. Just running off in the middle of the night to spare you the future heartbreak of staying with a loser like me. _He flinched at the thought.__

Boxman cocked his head, puzzled by the drawn-out silence.

“P.V.?”

Nothing.

Boxman frowned in the darkness, the lack of response beginning to concern him. He flicked on the lamp by his bedside, bathing the room in a soft yellow glow.

He gasped audibly, breaking the disconcerting silence. Whatever sleep still clung to him disappeared instantly.

Illuminated in the gentle light stood Venomous, fully dressed, lab coat slung over his shoulder, and far too close to the bedroom door.

Venomous sighed heavily, his shoulders sagging as he slowly began to turn around, clasping his hands together as he did so to stop them from shaking.

He gradually raised his bowed head though instantly wished he hadn’t. Boxman met his gaze, myriad emotions expressed in his own. Anger, confusion, sadness, disappointment… Venomous quickly looked away, the immense weight of his guilt all but forcing him to look at the ground.

“W-what are you… The words fell from Boxman’s mouth as though he wasn’t the one speaking them, as though he were watching the scene unfold from outside himself.

The unfinished question hung in the air far longer than it should have.

Venomous licked his lips nervously, before taking a deep breath and forging on. He was breaking the man’s heart… again. The least he could do was offer some semblance of an explanation.

“I… I can’t do this Boxy.”

Boxman closed his eyes, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly, a technique he’d picked up from the Jethro with limbs, that he used to calm his nerves.

“…why?”

It was such a simple question and yet in this moment, it was the hardest question Venomous had ever been asked in his life.

He exhaled shakily, as though the act would somehow make it easier to answer.

“Because I…I-

He sighed heavily.

“I don’t want to hurt you again.”

Boxman propped his chin against the back of his hand, brow furrowing as he considered Venomous’ answer. “So, you were just going to leave?” He asked slowly, as though trying to make sense of the question as he asked it. “You weren’t even going to tell me… _talk_ to me… because you didn’t want to hurt me again?”

Venomous swallowed against the swollen lump in his throat. When reflected back at him as it was being now, the idiocy in what he had just said, the clear lack of sense in his plan, was astounding.  
He could feel heat rising into his cheeks as an unwelcome mix of embarrassment and shame swept through him.

He couldn’t just be a jerk, oh no. Now he was a stupid one as well.

“I’m not- You deserve- So much more than…” the half-formed explanations tumbled out of his mouth, his high running emotions making it impossible to think, let alone string a coherent sentence together.

His hands were now clasped so tightly together he could feel his nails digging into his skin. He focused on the uncomfortable sensation, trying to ground himself.

He took a calming breath. “You deserve someone better”. He replied quietly.

Boxman rolled his eyes. “Yes, that’s exactly what _I_ thought when I opened my door and invited you in”.

At any other time, the pointed sarcasm would have earned a small smile from Venomous, but in its current context, it wasn’t funny, just harsh, and derisive. His shoulders slumped as he leaned farther into the wall, trying to make himself as small as he felt, completely at a loss for what more he could say.

Boxman sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. Despite everything he was feeling, seeing Venomous so dejected, so... emotional was odd and, if he was being honest with himself, concerning. Venomous was many things but touchy feely was certainly not one of them.

A twinge of guilt cut through the anger and in spite of the inner voice screaming for him not to, he gave in to the almost overwhelming need to make Venomous feel better.

“Look, Ven, if I felt that way I would never have-

“I didn’t choose you.” Venomous whispered as much to himself as to Boxman. “W-when Shadowy… he- I-I… I d-didn’t- He raised a trembling hand to cover his mouth as all he’d held in for so long finally overcame him. Sobs wracked his thin frame as he slid down the bedroom wall, burying his face in his hands as he began to cry.

Boxman had never moved so fast. He leapt out of bed and shot across the room, wrapping his arms tightly around Venomous' shuddering frame, letting his head come to rest against his shoulder.  
“I d-didn’t ch-choose you.” “I d-didn’t- Venomous choked out the phrase again and again, the shame and guilt he carried pouring out of him in an endless stream of tears.  
“It’s ok.” Boxman whispered, rubbing his back soothingly as he wept. “It’s ok.” “N-No it’s not! Venomous managed to protest through his distraught sobbing. I d-didn’t- “Ven. Boxman replied, his tone gentle but firm. “You’re choosing me now, otherwise you wouldn’t have come tonight.”

There was a sharp, hitched breath followed by silence, Venomous stilling slightly as he considered what had just been said to him.

His brow furrowed as the truth in Boxman’s words warred with his current emotional state.

“But-

Boxman placed his taloned hand gently on one of Venomous’ trembling shoulders, cupping his cheek with the other and leaning back slightly so that they were face to face.

“Ven, look at me.”

Reluctantly, Venomous tear-filled gaze gradually rose to meet Boxman’s, a little taken aback by the tenderness he found there.

“I forgive you.”

Venomous searched his face. He couldn’t possibly be serious.

Boxman leaned in, placing a gentle kiss on Venomous’ forehead. “I forgive you P.V.” Venomous took one ragged breath, then another and then he was collapsing into Boxman’s arms, his face coming to rest against his chest.

“I’m so sohrry Boxy. I’m s-so, so sohrry.” He whimpered, the tension he felt throughout his entire person alleviating a little. “I know.” Boxman replied softly. He held him close, silently stroking his hair as he began to relax. They stayed like that until the last of Venomous’ tears had ebbed and his breathing had returned to normal.

“Would you like some water?” Boxman asked softly as Venomous slowly lifted himself back up into a sitting position. “Please.” He replied with a small nod. Boxman fetched him a glass, handing it to him before sitting across from him on the floor.

He waited patiently for Venomous to finish his water before speaking again. “Umm, P.V. could I… umm, make a small request?”

Venomous’ eyebrows raised in surprise. He couldn’t believe Boxman still felt the need to ask after everything he’d just done for him.

“Anything.” Venomous replied.

"Talk to me." Boxman whispered, removing one last, errant tear from the professor's cheek. “Really _talk_ to me.”

A pained expression marred his features. Despite the mortifying display he’d just treated Boxman to, ‘talking’ still wasn’t something he was wholly comfortable with. He bit back the impulsive urge to say no. It was a simple request. He owed him this.

Venomous took, a deep, shuddering breath.

"Ok".

************************************************************************************************

The pair migrated back to the bed, seating themselves on its end. They sat in silence for a time, Venomous fidgeting nervously with his hands. He seemed twitchy and uncomfortable, and Boxman inwardly wondered if he should rescind what he had asked of him. As if sensing his concern, Venomous offered him an anxious smile. “I’m sohrry. It’s just… I don’t really do… I mean I… He took a moment to collect himself. “I don’t really talk about… my _feelings _.”__

His upper lip curled in distaste as the last word left his mouth.  
Boxman fixed him with a sarcastic glare. “You don’t say.” Venomous winced, taken aback by the comment and growing even more self-conscious. "I'm joking. Boxman said quickly, holding his hands up in a placating manner. “Please… take your time.”

Another relieved yet nervous smile, a smile Boxman returned before giving one of Venomous’ hands a gentle squeeze.  
The gesture was small, but Venomous appreciated it. His nerves calmed a little, and he took the opportunity to steel himself, inhaling deeply, holding the breath in for a few seconds before gradually letting it out again.

“I… care.” He said slowly, making a concerted effort to force the words out. “… about what other people think of me.”  
His brow furrowed as he took pause to contemplate his admission, a strange mix of relief and borderline embarrassment washing over him. He had always known it deep down but saying it out loud made it so much more real.

He looked down at his hands, disappointment written all over his face as the self-realisation set in. "I have my whole life."

“I wanted to be loved and adored, so I became a hero. But then my… unique powers made me feel inadequate among them. So, never one to leave well alone, I tried to give myself better ones, losing the powers I did have in the process and feeling even worse for it. Then I found villainy. Villainy felt good, like I’d finally found my calling. And the fear. Venomous closed his eyes, biting his lip as he savoured the memories and their associated feelings. Being feared was… addictive. It scratched an itch in me that being loved never could. That, to me, was power greater than any I’d ever had before. Though apparently, that wasn't even enough, was it? I got so addicted, so desperate for more, I went and developed a whole other personality without my knowledge.”

He paused, frustration in his steadily narrowing eyes.  
“Hero, villain, Shadowy Venomous.”

He laughed bitterly. “I’ve been so many different people I don’t even know who in cob’s name I am anymore!”  
Boxman placed his hand gently atop Venomous’ and looked steadily into his eyes. “You’re Professor Venomous. You’re a brilliant, talented, bioengineering genius and one cobdamn hell of a villain. You’re an incredible boss to Fink and the bots. Hell, seeing you with her, with them… you made me want to be a better father. You’re charming and witty and, and fun-

Venomous peered at him sceptically. “Fun?”  
"I think so," Boxman replied earnestly. “When you allow yourself to be.” He was quiet for a moment, then sighed heavily, eyes downcast. “I’m not going to pretend I know what you’re going through. I just… I just wish you could see what I see.”

Venomous was suddenly hit with an overwhelming sense of déjà vu, thrown back instantly to the almost identical conversation he had had with Silver all those years ago.  
He hadn't wanted to listen then, clinging instead to his insecurities and unknowingly allowing them to take on a life of their own until they had consumed him; controlled him.  
He frowned angrily at the thought. No, this time would be different. He was determined to never let anything like Shadowy happen ever again. He’d ruined this relationship once; he’d be damned if he was going to ruin it again.

“…I’m scared.” “Terrified, actually," Venomous replied finally.  
Boxman looked at him inquiringly. “Why?”

“Because I don’t know if I can… see myself like you do.” Venomous whispered. “I just… I don’t know how.” “I’ve spent so long trying to like myself and failing I just, I don’t…”  
For the first time in a long time, Boxman was at a loss for words. He sat there, unsure of what to do or say, the revelation altogether shocking and heartbreaking.  
“I was too proud to ever admit this, even to myself, but my endless quest for power was really just a way to feel… ok. To be able to wake up every morning and not berate myself over every little thing I said or did. It wasn’t long before that feeling was at the forefront of every decision I made,” He glanced at Boxman, guilt in his eyes. …Shadowy’s offer included.” I know you can’t understand, but power, for me, it was... peace. The world was only ever quiet when I had it and at some point, the promise of silence became the only thing I had to hold on to.”

  
A loud sniffle permeated the air, Venomous turning in time to see Boxman swipe at his eye with the back of his hand.

He took a shuddering breath, gaze fixed on the floor beneath him. “…I didn’t know.”  
“I never told you.”  
"I was your cobdamn lover, and I didn't know." Boxman hissed through gritted teeth.  
“I hid it well.” Venomous replied, frankly.  
“I should’ve seen it!” Boxman shot back, voice cracking under the strain of the combined anger, frustration and guilt he felt.  
“How can I say I loved you, _love_ you, and have missed…” He trailed off, burying his face in his hands.

A moment of panic flitted through Venomous, Boxman’s reaction not having been even remotely what he’d expected. He lay his hand awkwardly on the shorter man’s back, rubbing small, hopefully soothing, circles, in an attempt to calm him down.  
“Hey, don’t cry,” He said softly. “How could you possibly have known about something even I refused to acknowledge?” I told you, I don’t do feelings.” “And besides.” A small, sheepish smile graced his lips. “I always felt better when I was with you.”  
Boxman raised his head slightly. “R-really?”

Venomous smiled warmly. “Really.” Boxman took a deep breath, before reorienting himself into a sitting position. Venomous chuckled slightly. “You’re so unlike me. It’s one of the things I grew to admire about you most. Where I care too much, you don’t care at all… except where it matters.” “It makes you fearless in every sense; an unstoppable force. Being with you, I saw what _real_ power looked like for the first time.”  
“In all the years I’d been doing this, I’d never met another villain like you. The others, they all play stupid games. Pretentious parties, stuffy dinners, any excuse to get together and size each other up.”

“You weren’t like that.” “You’re _not_ like that.”  
The smile gradually faded from his face, replaced by guilt's trademark signs.  
“…I believed everything they told me about you.” He caught Boxman’s look of puzzlement from the corner of his eye. “The board, I mean.” “Cosma, Vormulax, Billiam… all of them.” “…The things they’d say about you.” He braced his forehead against the palm of his hand, chest rising and falling with increased frequency as the memories mingled with his guilt and anger. “I let myself believe it.” He said, voice shaky with disgust and disbelief. “I even mocked you along with them. So cobdamn desperate to fit in; to _feel_ powerful.  
He shook his head.

“I bought their lies and carried that prejudice with me all the way to our first dinner meeting.” “…and then, I saw you; _really _s__ aw you.” “Against those heroes, you were a different person.” “Unrestrained and strong and… Venomous’ cheeks grew warm as the scene unfolded in his mind. He left the thought unfinished. “I knew then I’d misjudged you, but me being me, I was too damn proud to admit it.” “I told myself I was just interested in the weapons you were capable of building for me, but somewhere inside, I knew it was more. I was interested in you.”

A small, shy smile played about Boxman’s lips. He glanced at Venomous, the smile dulling slightly at the sight of the turmoil clear as day on his face.  
“I fought it.” He continued quietly, disappointment weighing down his words. “I’d worked so hard to cultivate my image that the thought of what the other villains would say if I pursued you was too much for me to think about.” “I held on to that. Convinced myself that you simply weren’t good enough for me and put it from my mind.”  
He hung his head, deeply ashamed of all he had just admitted to.

A silence stretched between them, Venomous growing increasingly appalled by his past behaviour the longer he had to ruminate on it.  
“How can you want to stay with me?!” The loaded question barrelled through the dead air, sudden, harsh, and borderline accusatory.  
“P.V.-  
“-I’m selfish and arrogant, a-and-  
“P.V. I-  
“I treated you like shi-

“Venomous.” Boxman tried again, keeping his voice firm and steady.  
Venomous turned to look at him, surprised to see the look of apprehension on his face.  
Boxman fidgeted nervously with his hands. “…P.V.” He swallowed thickly, averting his gaze. “Do you want to know why I was so nice to you the night I invited you for dinner?” Venomous peered at him, a mix of confusion and curiosity in his eyes. Boxman sighed heavily. “Because you were one of the people whom I needed to impress to keep my bills paid and, well… y-you… were, umm not were, I mean are, because you still are, heh, you always will be-  
“-Boxman.”

“You’re incredibly hot!” The last three words crashed into each other like a pileup on a freeway.  
Venomous blinked rapidly, unable to suppress the bemused smile now spreading across his face. Boxman caught it out of the corner of his eye, an embarrassed blush now rapidly colouring his own. He cleared his throat. “Look, what I’m trying to say is… my being nice to you, at least in the beginning, wasn’t exactly… unselfish. I… I really wanted you to like me because I… umm… ugh! …because I was shallow.” Boxman trained his eyes on the hands now clasped in his lap, the corners of his mouth drooping in disappointment.

Though they’d dated for almost a year, Venomous’ stomach still tightened with the knowledge that Boxman found him _that_ attractive. He was quiet for a moment, his smile widening as he let the revelation settle.

“May I ask what it was that made you decide I was more than just a pretty face?”  
Boxman turned a shade of red Venomous was certain he’d never seen before, a look of abject horror in his eyes as he turned to face him.  
“Venomous! I-I didn’t think you were-

“-Vapid, but charming enough to get away with it?” The professor offered, quirking an eyebrow.  
All colour drained from Boxman's person, and at that moment, Venomous could have sworn he saw his soul leave his body.  
He smirked, placing his hand gently on the smaller man’s shoulder.  
“Boxman, I know you didn’t think I was an idiot. It’s just fun to wind you up.”

Boxman glared at him but let out a breath he wasn’t aware he’d been holding all the same.  
Venomous chuckled softly. “So, you're shallow, and I'm arrogant.” Boxman smiled despite himself. “We’re villains. Comes with the territory, I suppose."  
He glanced at Venomous, the smile still on his lips.

“To answer your question, it was Boxman Jr.”, He said quietly. "Sorry?" "I changed my mind during Boxman Jr.” He smiled wistfully. “Your work was truly inspired. The biochip was like nothing I’d ever seen before.” “I was proud of the project before you'd offered your help, but you, you took it to a level even I didn’t think possible.” He met Venomous' gaze, eyes shining with adoration. “Seeing you in your element was something else. Your quiet passion, finesse, and truly deplorable ideas on how best we could obliterate the plaza. I… I found myself hanging off your every word.” Venomous rubbed the back of his neck, trying his best to hide his sudden bashfulness. He’d never thought himself a modest man. By his own admittance not ten minutes earlier, he was quite the literal opposite. But this praise, real praise from a man he cared about more than anything, was different. Perhaps vulnerability was contagious once you opened yourself up to it. He unconsciously bit his lip, unsure of how comfortable he was with that.

“…What changed yours?”  
“Huh?” Venomous asked, snapped from his reverie.  
“What made you change your mind about me?”  
"Billiam's," Venomous stated simply, quickly, clearly an answer he'd never had to give any thought to.  
Boxman’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really?”  
“Yeah.”

Boxman shook his head, still clearly a little stunned. “This whole time, I really thought I’d botched that night. I was… a lot.”  
"Oh, quite the contrary," Venomous said smoothly. “You were breathtaking.”

“I’d lied to myself long enough to believe that what I’d witnessed at dinner was little more than brute strength and dumb luck, but after Billiam’s, oh, I was infatuated after that.”  
“You were amazing! The confidence, the defiance. The... the _malice _!__ The way you meticulously planned the assured destruction of not only Billiam’s stupid yacht but the night itself, just to give the finger to anyone who’d ever doubted you. I-I-

Boxman watched in awe as Venomous’ characteristically apathetic, dignified persona fell away, the excitement he was reliving overcoming him.  
“You were a powerhouse, a-a juggernaut. I mean taking a pot shot at P.O.I.N.T?!” Venomous closed his eyes and grit his teeth, gripping the sheet beneath his hand forcefully, totally lost in the memory. “You were in a league of your own that night. I’ll never forget it.”

Boxman sat in stunned silence, completely surprised, albeit happily, with all he was hearing.  
“There was no denying what I felt after that, even if I wasn’t quite sure what it was. I… I offered you the chip because I truly believed in your project but, all cards on the table, I was looking for a reason to see you again, and Boxman Jr. was the perfect excuse.”  
“Professor Venomous!” Boxman exclaimed in mock dismay. “You would use an innocent baby as a vehicle for your ulterior motives?!”

Venomous smirked. “Evidently.”  
Boxman gasped dramatically. “How despicable! How vile! How,” He suppressed a giggle. “Genius.”  
"Much more than just a pretty face," Venomous replied with a wink.

Boxman laughed at that, the slight levity a welcome reprieve given the heaviness of the night so far.  
Venomous rested his chin against his palm, smiling as he watched him. The sight of Boxman thoroughly enjoying himself always filled him with butterflies and this was no exception. His joy was infectious and never failed to brighten his mood.

“You… you really changed my life," He said quietly, contemplating the words as they left his mouth.  
“Oh, come on!" Boxman baulked. “That’s even too sappy for me.”  
“No, I mean it.” Venomous insisted. “I felt… different around you.”  
“Well, you liked me. Of course you did.”  
The professor shook his head. “That’s not what I mean.”

Boxman cocked his head, looking at the other quizzically.  
“Working with you,” He smiled fondly. “ _Living_ with you, I felt… at ease." You were just so unabashedly you, and it made me feel like I didn't have to second guess myself. I didn't have to hide." "You meant what you said, and you said what you meant. It was something I wasn't used to."  
“In a business as cutthroat and dishonest as ours, it’s hard to trust people, hard to let them get close, and having been on the other side of the fence, I can tell you being a hero is much the same," He narrowed his eyes angrily. "Just a constant game of keeping up appearances. My whole life, I felt like everybody wanted something from me, and I obliged, hiding more of myself every time."

“You’re one of the only exceptions.” He smiled warmly. “You required no pretence. You liked me as I was,” His smile turned coy. “ _Wanted_ me as I was.”  
“I felt like I could… _breath_ around you.” The smile faded a little. “It had been so long I’d honestly forgotten what it felt like, to just be myself.”  
Boxman’s gaze grew sad as the full weight of Venomous’ inner turmoil became apparent.

“The way you were, heh, the way you _are_... it was nice. The more time I spent with you, the more I found myself letting go. I felt less high strung, more confident, less insecure. I was happy. For the first time in a long time, I was… happy.”  
He bit his lip, fidgeting nervously with his hands.

“And then I umm… I got… scared.”  
Boxman's eyes widened with concern. "Scared? Oh Venomous, I hope I never gave you reason to-  
-It wasn't you," Venomous replied flatly. He closed his eyes, his entire body sagging as he exhaled. “It was me. He laughed humourlessly. It’s always me. Just can’t seem to get out of my own cobdamn way.”

He took a shaky breath, his chest tightening as he contemplated how best to broach what he had to say next. He opened his mouth, and closed it again, licking his lips anxiously.  
“I umm… I fell in love with you.”

Boxman looked at Venomous, visibly taken aback.  
"You... you never told me that."

"I was petrified," Venomous said simply. "What I felt for you, I'd never felt for anyone," He pinched the bridge of his nose in irritated frustration. "I was overwhelmed by my own ridiculous insecurities almost as soon as I realised." "I worried that you didn't feel the same way. That, for you, it was just... fun, but ultimately something that would run its course. I grew paranoid you'd leave me, think me weak for caring so much. The night I let Laserblast die played on repeat in my head." " _He wasn't powerful enough_... It's all I could hear for weeks."

He buried his face in his hands, breathing hard and fast. " I'd been doing so well, and to feel myself sliding back down into the pit I'd only just managed to pull myself out of… I…" He dragged his hands down the length of his face before sliding his arms around his middle and hunching over.  
“I just wanted it to stop. I was s-so tired and so worn down, and that day that Shadowy made himself known, h-he told me he could make it stop, that all I had to do was stand aside, and he would make it stop!

He told me I'd be so powerful there'd be nothing that could ever make me feel this way again, and I wanted that more than anything. To stop feeling like a cobdamn failure, to just stop feeling anything at all, and he promised me that. He promised me.”  
Boxman could feel unshed tears welling in his eye. Hurt as he was by all that had transpired between them following Shadowy’s takeover, hearing just how lost and defeated Venomous had felt in the lead up broke his heart.

“Oh P.V… I’m, I’m so sorry.”  
“Please don’t be,” Venomous replied miserably.  
“Nothing I’ve said tonight excuses what I did.”

As much as Boxman wanted to protest, to take Venomous’ pain away, that was not a statement he could argue against. He swallowed nervously, inwardly willing Venomous to continue if only to fill the sudden, awkward silence.

“I miss it sometimes.”  
Though the words were almost whispered, they hit Boxman with the force of a truck.  
“B-being Shadowy?” He asked, tone somewhere between fear and disbelief.  
Venomous looked horrified. “Cob no!”

“No, I meant,” He took a deep breath. “The numbness. I really, really miss it sometimes. And that scares me. What I did while I wasn’t conscious, I can’t… I wouldn’t even know where to start to try and fix it. But sometimes… I feel so hopeless that I just…”  
He clenched his eyes shut tightly and took a slow, measured breath.

"Its why I didn't come back straight away. When I was given that planet, I thought it would help. Thought that wanton destruction with no discernible way for it to harm anyone might give me a chance to work through whatever the hell was wrong with me, and it did, for a time. But it didn't last. Every time I looked at Fink, all I could think about was the way I must have treated her, treated _you _.__ It never stops. I… I hate myself. I cobdamn hate myself. And you should hate me too."

The tears that had been threatening to spill for the last few minutes finally slid down Boxman's cheek. He turned to Venomous, throwing his arms around him in a tight embrace. He held him for what seemed an age, letting his tears fall freely, undeterred by the professor's seeming inability to return the gesture.  
"You have to stop punishing yourself," Boxman whispered as he finally pulled away.

"...I don't know how," came Venomous' reply, sad and tired and broken.  
He looked up at Boxman through his lashes, twisting his hands together anxiously. "You managed. How? ...how?"  
"Oh, P.V.," Boxman sighed. "I never hated you. I tried, oh cob did I try, but I just couldn't." He looked away. "I hated myself."

Venomous gave Boxman a look akin to a deer in headlights. "What?!"

Boxman shrugged slightly. "I-I really thought that if I just played along... if I let whatever was going on with you run its course, everything would eventually go back to the way it was. And when it didn't, when... when it became obvious that it wasn't going to, I blamed myself. I just couldn't help thinking that if I were a better villain, a better partner, a better... better boyfriend, that you wouldn't feel like you needed more," He let his body go limp, head hanging wearily over his lap. "I felt like I'd failed you... and Fink... everyone really, after everything that happened. Its why I never really came back… to Boxmore. Even after Shadowy was gone and things started to return to some semblance of normal, any time I was there, I was just reminded... of everything."

They sat in silence for a long time, neither able to do much more than try to process all they had shared with each other. Venomous licked his lips nervously, finally summoning the courage to ask what both of them were undoubtedly wondering.

"So... where do we go from here?"

Boxman sighed heavily. "I'm not going to pretend I'm not scared. ...you hurt me real bad P.V.," Venomous averted his dejected gaze to the floor, the glimmer of hope he had had fading fast. "...but I want to try again." Venomous looked at the shorter man intently, hardly daring to believe what he was hearing. Boxman met his gaze, his eyes soft with unspoken affection. "I love you. I never stopped."

Venomous felt as if the breath had left his lungs. He stared at Boxman open-mouthed, at a loss for words. “I just, I mean I hope that that’s what you want too.” “Yes!” Venomous exclaimed, unable to stop himself. “I-I, I mean, yes.” He repeated a little more calmly, offering Boxman a demure smile.

The engineer edged closer, placing his hand upon Venomous’, squeezing it gently. “I don’t know about you, but I do feel as though the way we did this the first time might be appro- Venomous lips were on his in an instant, the remainder of the proposition crashing against them.

They kissed as the sun’s first rays shone through the bedroom window.

************************************************************************************************

Venomous stared at the frosted glass door before him, his grip on Boxman's hand crushing. "You're going to be fine." The shorter man said confidently, running his free hand up and down the small of Venomous' back in a gesture made to soothe.

Venomous swallowed nervously, reading the name printed on the glass. _Dr Joff Army _.__ He scowled. A professor, coming to a doctor for help; he never thought he'd see the day.  
He looked down at Boxman, unable to hide his apprehension. "Are you sure you can't come with me? Just this once," He asked hopefully. "You know I can't," Boxman replied, trying not to let the disappointment on Venomous' face sway him.

"But I can come and pick you up when you're done, and we can go and set Billiam's yacht on fire or do burnouts in Gar's parking lot, anything you want," The engineer smiled sincerely, moving the hand at his partner's back to his side and giving it a gentle squeeze.

Venomous smiled shyly. "I'd like that." The sound of the door handle twisting caught their attention, Venomous casting one more uneasy glance at Boxman. He smiled gently. "Call me when you're done," He said quietly, placing a soft kiss against Venomous' cheek before making to leave. Venomous nodded tensely, watching as Boxman slid off the chair and began to walk away.

"Venomous?" The professor couldn't take his eyes off his partner, heart hammering against his chest as he watched him leave, his name being called barely registering. Boxman rounded the corner, disappearing from sight.

"Professor Venomous?" He was alone in the waiting room, sans the therapist calling his name. He turned stiffly in the direction of the voice, blinking slowly as his eyes fell upon its owner. Dr Army stood in his office doorway, observing the professor with a serene smile, patiently waiting for him to answer. "Umm, y-yes," Venomous replied as he stood, his cheeks warming with embarrassment. "Sorry, I... He trailed off, unsure of what to say.

"There's no need to apologise," Joff replied earnestly. "The first session is the hardest for everyone." Venomous ran his hand through his hair, a nervous tick he'd never been able to shake, though he had to admit, the cadence of Joff's voice was putting him somewhat more at ease.

"Please," Joff said, gesturing to the interior of his office. Venomous closed his eyes, fighting desperately against every instinct screaming at him to run. He'd run his whole life, and all it had done was shatter his confidence, ruin his relationships and brought out the very worst in him... quite literally.

He steeled himself, focusing on Fink, Boxman and the happiness he'd had pre Shadowy. They were worth it; his happiness was worth it. He took a calming breath and walked into the office.


End file.
